I've stayed home from work this morning. I just don't have the energy to go in.
Waking up at 2-3 AM every morning is taking it's toll. I'm exhausted. Yet, I
can't sleep. I need a distraction. I open my computer and start watching "The
Bourne Identity." I'm part way into the gripping story when Sarah has to leave
to run some errands.
"Miriam is out on the mat on the porch, check in on her every once in a while."
She kisses me briefly and heads out the door, winding her head scarf as she goes.
I'm intensely interested in the movie, but being there for Miriam is more
important. I put the movie on pause and go out to the porch. I am rewarded by
a crooked grin from my favorite little girl. I can always come back to the movie later...
Later that night, as I lie in bed next to Sarah and we talk about Adam, I have a
flash of insight. All those things I miss about Adam, all those things I miss
being able to do with him, is simply put on pause. I will watch him crawl for
the first time. I will hear his first words. I will see him grow and develop.
I will get to teach him things. Just not right now. Adam's story is interesting, but for the sake of more important things (and God only know exactly what and why), Adam's story has been put on pause.
I don't mind waiting to watch a TV show or game I've recorded or years for a
movie sequel, yet I some how think that waiting to enjoy certain moments with
those I love and miss is too much. I'm too impatient. Maybe I need to follow
my friend, the Imam's advice: "Sheelah saboor, Allah bas yaarfah. Sheelah
saboor." (Have patience, God only knows. Have patience.)
Suddenly, verses from the Bible come flashing into my mind:
"...and by faith he still speaks, even though he is dead...All these people were
still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised:
they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth...They were longing for a better country--a heavenly one...By faith Moses...chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a short time. He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward...Some faced jeers and flogging, while still others were chained and put in prison. They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated...They wandered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground. These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised." (Hebrews 11)
"Therefore, I urge you brothers...to offer your bodies as living sacrifices...to God." (Romans 12:1)
"Now if we are children then we are also heirs--heirs of God...if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will by revealed in us...For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently...And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:17-28)
"Blessed are the poor...Blessed are those who mourn...Blessed are the meek...Blessed are those who are persecuted...Blessed are you when people insult you..." (Matthew 5)
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
You are my friends...If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first...Remember the words I spoke to you: 'No servant is greater than his master.' If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. (John 15:13-20)
"Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning it's shame...Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart...Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons...God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. no discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." (Hebrews 12:1-11)
"What shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?...'For your sake we face death all day long...' For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God..." (Romans 8:31-39)
So, my life with Adam has been put on pause...but it will be continued in a short while...and this story has no end...